The Fashion Conspiracy

Felicia Ann Ryan

You can’t find something if you don’t know what you’re looking for

I step out of the shower my mind already on to the next task at hand. It’s before 8 am which means I’m focused on one thing and one thing only, getting out the door. Before my wet feet even get the chance to find the mat, my eyes are scanning the bathroom counter for my morning ritual heroes. My eyes lock in on the brush, I grab it and run the bristles through my wet hair conjuring a mental replay of every “Easy hairstyles in five minutes or less” video tutorial I’ve ever encountered browsing Pinterest; simultaneously my hand grabs for what else I’ll need to piece together a facade of togetherness. Deodorant from the drawer, toothbrush and toothpaste, plug my straightener into the wall (I’m delusional for thinking I’ll even have time) and moisturizer. Moisturizer. Huh? Where’s my moisturizer.



I feel a quick skip in my heart as I begin panicking, I can’t get this going without my moisturizer, it’s the first step before all the steps. I also don’t have a moment to spare. I drop everything, my arms that were working like mindless machines going through the motions of my morning routine are now awake and tearing through everything on the counter. I look in the shower, under the cupboards, on the floor; I even lift the lid of the toilet knowing full well it didn’t make any sense to look in the toilet. I was desperate. I’m in a blur; if there was only one thing, ONE THING that I could use on any given day, it would be my moisturizer. I give up, I don’t have the time.





The feeling of defeat sinks into my skin (like I wish my moisturizer would) and I have to give myself a quick pep talk to stop this first world problem from snowballing into a bad day. I’m going to be uncomfortable, my skin is going to itch, I’m going to be moving my mouth around in unnatural and probably borderline scary ways to alleviate the tight feeling my face will experience all day …and I’m going to have to get through it. I made it through the day (obviously, not like it was a life threatening situation) and came home to the catastrophic state I had left my bathroom in after rushing around to get my kids and I ready and out the door. As I’m picking up loose bobby pins from the floor and putting away the straightener I never ended up using (what a pipedream that was), my eyes land on a little blue bottle.




It sits unobstructed from view within reach and right next to that pesky little hair tool I never have time for. It’s my moisturizer. But the thing is, it doesn’t look like my moisturizer. My moisturizer isn’t in a blue bottle – it’s been in a silver tube for years. But there it is. I had forgotten that I had decided to give this little blue one a go and after using the same product for so long I was looking for the silver tube – I wasn’t looking for a blue bottle. And that’s it, this entire time it was there – within arms reach but I couldn’t see it. I didn’t know what I was looking for and so I couldn’t find it. Somehow this Earthly problem quickly turns existential for me. It hits me hard, right in the pit of my stomach – we can’t find what we don’t know we’re looking for. If we don’t know what we’re looking for looks like, how the heck are we ever going to find it. Suddenly the motivational reads and law of attraction theories focused into one real world analogy for me. I didn’t know what I was looking for and so I was not able to find it even though it was sitting there right under my nose. A new perspective and knowing what I am looking for will ensure I find it. And so it makes sense to me that it’s important to first discover what we want (in an abstract way not in finding a literal object kind of way) such as in life, or in a partner, what we want in our career, in order to find a way to get it. We have to become familiar with ourselves and be clear about what would make us happy in order to find ways to make that happiness possible. Or else, there just may be something there, right in front of you, exactly what you’re looking for – but you haven’t yet decided what it is you want to find … and you’ll miss it.




Styled by Felicia Ann Ryan and images taken behind the scenes on set with photographer @leah_vlemmiks_photo, MUAH, Model @abakumchik  by Felicia Ann Ryan on iPhone

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